I often hear busy working mums complaining that their tween or teen daughter is acting up by being moody/hormonal/lazy/sluggish or just flat defiant against her authority as Mum on a school morning. Do you ever hear things like…. “I don’t want to go to school today!” “I don’t feel like it!” “No!!!” “My stomach hurts/ I’m sick!” “You don’t care about me!” Or do you get the straight out refusal to get out of bed? Or *Insert excuse here!*
You’re not alone.
Many mums are in this boat. At this point of the weekday morning, you’re usually feeling frustrated and annoyed cause you’re watching the clock tick by, thinking about the traffic and needing to get to work on time and yet here your delightful daughter is causing a fuss for what should be such a simple task in getting ready to go to school. After all, she’s not a baby anymore and she needs to get it together or you feel like the crap is gonna hit the fan. But maybe her seeming defiance/laziness/clinginess/moody tendencies or cries for attention are just the fruit of a root issue that’s going on that you’re not unaware of yet.
What she is not telling you could be any number of things:
IE: • A fight with her friends
• Her worrying about leaving you today (maybe she had a nightmare she didn’t get a chance to tell you about)
• Needing to turn in an assignment or homework that she hasn’t completed knowing there are consequences to be dealt with
• School Photo Day
• An exam
• Being bullied
• Facing a teacher she has a personality clash with
What do all of these have in common?
Anxiety…. Your daughter may be struggling with how to deal with the fears in her mind that are screaming louder than your requests to get dressed.
So what do you do? In the moment- it’s really hard because you’re on a tight schedule and you may be consumed with the thoughts of “ I don’t have time for this…” but all your daughter hears even without you saying it; when you hurriedly get her into the car and drop her at the school gates (with the tension between you at escalated heights) is: • My mum doesn’t care • I don’t matter • I’m alone • No-one can help me • Her work is more important than me • I’m rejected • I’m abandoned • I’m not valued.
So you do need to address it in the moment and shift your beliefs about why your daughter is “acting up.” I created this Double ABC mnemonic to help you.
Acknowledge her actions and feelings
Ask her if you can schedule a time later in the day/night to talk things through together (It’s vital you follow through with it)
Breathe- Do some deep breaths together (I recommend box breathing) it will help you both to refocus and relax before the day begins
Boost her esteem by declaring truths over her life and encouraging her to declare them too “You are strong and an overcomer!”
Calm her by encouraging her to explore her strategies to get through today ie: read a book, write a journal, sit with a safe friend.
Cuddle her if she wants one- sometimes just that warm embrace will drown out the “I’m alone” thoughts
All of this can be done within a short space of time. Helping your daughter to manage anxiety is not a job for the faint-hearted as anxiety can often be complex and invade more than just the thought processes surrounding school. But if you follow through with the double ABC’s and invest some time into at least letting your daughter know that you are there for her and keeping the communication lines open, it will be a great start for you and her to make your weekday mornings more stress-free. It will take intentionality, time and lots of patience, LISTENING, vulnerability and strong communication skills to build that trust. If self-help efforts do not improve the situation and anxiety is interfering with your daughter’s life, it is advisable to seek professional support. This is something that I help my clients with when they work with me. In my 10 week coaching package, anxiety is one of the main things that I help tween and teen girls to figure out so they become more self-aware which will in turn help them to set goals for themselves and strategise how they will navigate certain stressors. We also work on their emotional intelligence and identity addressing topics like assertiveness, communication and conflict resolution skills which impacts how they relate to themselves and others.